


[Podfic] & [Fic] Bongo Snake

by Djapchan



Category: Good Omens (TV), Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett
Genre: Bongo cat, Bongos, Boredom, Crack, Dialogue-Only, Discord: O Lord Heal This Server, Humor, Idiots in Love, Ineffable Idiots (Good Omens), M/M, OLHTS made me do it, Podfic, Podfic & Podficced Works, Podfic Length: 10-20 Minutes, Snake Anatomy, only with Hemipenes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-21
Updated: 2020-12-21
Packaged: 2021-03-09 04:48:19
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,892
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27369049
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Djapchan/pseuds/Djapchan
Summary: For the OLHTS Holiday Exchange Prompt:Crowley playing the bongos like Bongo cat. Aziraphale is full of questions while Crowley is just trying to have fun.
Relationships: Aziraphale/Crowley (Good Omens)
Comments: 4
Kudos: 8
Collections: "O Lord Heal This Gift Exchange 2020" [OLHTS discord server]





	[Podfic] & [Fic] Bongo Snake

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Realafah](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Realafah/gifts).



> @Realafah:
> 
> I hope you enjoy your gift. I know you asked for a fic or a pic and if I could draw well enough, I would have totally gone for the latter (and still hope someone will)... but I decided to better go for a fic instead. Once I had written it, I couldn't resist recording it though - because it allowed me to play around with all those interesting bongo noises! 💚
> 
> A huge thanks to [entanglednow](https://archiveofourown.org/users/entanglednow) for beta reading this for me 🤗

**Listen** to the podfic on [anchor](https://anchor.fm/djap/episodes/Podfic-Bongo-Snake-by-Djap-elvgaf)  
**Download** the podfic via [mediafire](https://www.mediafire.com/file/8l8o85qwiyqzek0/GO_Bongo_Snake.mp3/file)

*muffled bongo noises*

"Crowley? Where are you?"

*louder, somewhat muffled bongo noise*

"Crowley? I brought you two bottles of your favorite wine and some sushi for dinner tonight."

*muffled* “In the living room, angel.”

"Why didn't you answer the door when I rang the doorbell?"

*muffled* "I gave you a key to the flat months ago, Aziraphale, so I wouldn’t have to open the door for you every single time you came over."

*a door being opened*

"That's still very rude, you wily Serpent. When one expects guests, it's only natural to answer... oh good Lord!"

*entirely unmuffled, relaxed bongo noises which suddenly stop*

"I bet you 50 pounds you never saw me being polite to anybody. Unless, of course, I was about to tempt them for work."

"Crowley!"

"What? Politeness doesn't really get you anywhere. It's just tedious. Much easier to just alter a human's mind to get what we want. You know that even if I weren't a demon, I wouldn't be a big fan. Plus, the rules change all the time."

"...Crowley!"

"Still my name, angel. Repeating it in varying degrees of agitation won't miraculously change it."

"What... are you doing?"

"Huh? Oh... just playing the bongos."

"I can see that, but..."

"But what? If I recall correctly, you said you like the sound of bongos."

"Well, I do, but..."

"I even bought them in a music store instead of miracling them up, just to make sure to get the proper sound right."

"That is very commendable of you, my dear boy, and there’s no reason for you to pout like that, but..."

"I think they sound great. Don't you think they sound great?"

"Yes, they have a very pleasing sound, but..."

"Look, they even have these cool..."

"Crowley! We’re both aware that this is hardly the point."

"Now what? Am I not allowed to play the bongos in my own flat?"

"Stop avoiding the issue, you fiend."

"With the issue being...?"

"You know exactly what the issue is and that the bongos are the least surprising part of this whole... scenario."

"Are they?"

"There’s no need to waggle your eyebrows so mockingly at me."

"You've known me for 6000 years. You won't get any satisfying answer if you don't ask the right questions."

"Fair enough. Let's start with this then: why are you playing the bongos naked?"

"Am I not allowed to be naked in my own four walls?"

"Crowley!"

"There are no laws about being naked in your own flat, Aziraphale. Even you should be aware of that."

"What is that even supposed to mean?"

"Well, you don't need to shower or sleep and you are in the habit of wearing the same clothes, miracled clean every single day. You have been doing so for centuries. I have no idea whether you're ever nude in your precious bookshop backroom or not."

"We've met countless times in Roman Baths, Crowley. We both know perfectly well how much I appreciate a good soak or otherwise being pampered with oils or massages or... anyway. You're distracting me and trying to change the subject.”

"Am not."

"Oh, do stop smirking, you old Serpent. I still don't know why you think it’s such a wonderful idea to play the bongos naked in your living room."

"Honestly, Aziraphale. And people claim you’re the clever one of us two. How else could I access my penes to play, if not naked?"

"I guess that does lead to my next question then: why on Earth are you playing the bongos with your... uh...?"

"No need to get flustered now. You've been staring at them since you entered the room a few minutes ago."

"Well, they are just... there. Right in my view. Where else was I supposed to look?"

"I don't know, literally anywhere else? You've certainly never shown interest in any of my chosen efforts before."

"You have to admit it does look quite different than any other times I've seen it in the past. If you decided on a male effort, I don't recall you ever having more than... well, more than one. You can hardly blame me for my curiosity."

"It's the snake version. They're called..."

"Hemipenes."

"...somebody’s been studying, I see."

"Oh, well... you know me. I'll read books about practically everything. An array of tomes on snake anatomy may or may not exist in my collection."

"Curious, how this confession could make you blush, angel, while you've been staring at my two quite erect penes for this whole conversation."

"I have no idea what you're insinuating, Crowley."

"Oh nothing, I just thoroughly enjoy seeing you squirm."

"Fiend."

"To answer your question, I decided to wear the snake version today, because I needed two dicks if I wanted to play the bongos properly. One would have hardly done the trick."

"That does make a scary amount of sense, Crowley, even if it doesn't explain why you wanted to play the bongos with your... hemipenes instead of your hands."

"I was bored."

"Seriously?"

"Guess so. As much as I appreciate not having to do the dirty work for Hell anymore, being unemployed after 6000 years got boring surprisingly fast."

"Well, I have to admit, I feel you there, my dear boy."

"You could always join me playing the bongos. The more dicks the more variations."

"...doesn't it hurt? I mean usually efforts are quite sensitive, especially when they’re erect... all the blood and nerve endings and..."

"Cushioning miracle. It feels just like a stimulating little slap everytime I hit the bongos. It feels quite nice actually."

"Marvelous."

"Wait, what are you doing?!?"

"I believe you invited me to join you, Crowley. I am removing my waistcoat to undress."

"But... b-but. You can't. I was just joking!"

"Is there a law against me being naked in your flat?"

"I don't know. Seemed like one in the last… oh six millenia or so. ‘You go too fast for me, Crowley’ and all that. I’ve been waiting for you to take the first step in this direction for centuries.”

"Well, that’s all in the past now with Armageddon prevented and all. I guess removing one's clothes to get naked together seems like a sensible first step, don’t you think?"

"Hand holding is a first step, Aziraphale. Agreeing to a proper date is one. Or.. or... I don’t know maybe a chaste kiss... mpf."

"Was that more sufficient as a first step then?"

"Ngk."

"I best take that as agreement, my dear boy."

"...no need to look so smug about it. You can't just go around kissing demons like that."

"I am not kissing demons, Crowley. I am kissing one particular demon who happens to be my best friend and the love of my life."

“NGK!!! You… can’t just say things like that!”

“Why not? Didn’t you just complain that I wasted centuries, millennia even? I think it’s time we both stop that old mating dance and finally get naked since you so conveniently started already...”

"And... and you're still undressing. Go... Sa... Somebody. NOT the bowtie."

"It's hardly fair to you being exposed like that and me being fully dressed, now is it?"

"Forearms... Angel! I can see your FOREARMS!!! You need to slow down. I haven't seen you naked in centuries. This would be the worst time to be discorporated by a heart attack."

"Seems like a waste, doesn't it? Also, you hardly need to play coy now. You did after all go all out with this ridiculous display to seduce me."

"What? I didn't!"

"There’s no need to deny it. You forget that I had my fair share of temptations to do for you during the arrangement. I can smell them from a mile away."

"This is NOT a temptation! I just saw all these gifs from Bongo Cat and thought it sounded like fun! I wanted to do my own version of Bongo Snake, hence the hemipenes! I was hoping to create a viral video not to seduce an angel."

"Honestly. How do you explain that you were still doing this when I arrived for our dinner date?"

"I was just having fun and lost track of time!"

"Oh my...you're actually serious, aren’t you…?"

"Of course I am. When have I ever lied to you, Aziraphale? Not once in 6000 years!"

"Oh! Oh dear Lord. My sincere apologies! I... oh dear. I guess I should..."

"Wait wait wait! I wasn't saying no, I was just saying slow down. Christ, I was expecting at least another decade of coy flirting, before I'd get anywhere with you on this."

"Well... I admit I have been a little bored as well. Or... a lot, actually. I guess I got carried away a bit with this, just like you."

"It's fine, angel. Just... don't leave. I can get dressed and..."

"No. Please, stay like that. Unless it's too awkward now?"

"...are you sure?"

"Yes. How about I leave the bowtie and the waistcoat off and the shirtsleeves rolled up like this? To... level the field a bit, but not overwhelm?"

"...maybe open the wine? Might help."

"That's a good idea, dear boy. Can you snap us up some glasses?"

*snap*

"Thank you. Perfect. To Bongo Snake!"

*spluttering*

"Aziraphale!"

"No need to sound so scandalized. Can I get another demonstration?"

"What?!?"

"Show me what you’ve been doing! You stopped when I entered and I would like to see how it actually looked."

"Angel!"

"You said it feels nice. I don't want to keep you from something you were enjoying."

"Ngk."

"Did you miracle your hemipenes to stay hard like this?"

"...no need. Snakes usually mate for hours. Once they get going... they kind of have a one track mind."

"Fascinating. It would be a shame to waste that, wouldn't it?"

"...are you trying to tempt me?"

"Drink your wine, Crowley, and show me."

*tentative bongo noises*

"Oh, how marvelous. The adorable way they vibrate on each slap."

*cooing sounds*

"I am not sure if I should feel offended at the sounds you're making. They’re not cute fluffy little things."

"Agreed. I'd rather use scrumptious than cute to describe them. Just look at the beautifully flushed skin, the picturesque arks or the glistening tips."

*embarrassed hissing sounds mixed with quite irregular bongo noises*

"See how they jump slightly with every slap? I think they enjoy it when I watch. Can I get a bit closer, Crowley?"

*whimpering noises*

"I'll take that as a yes. Oh, yes, kneeling like this before you gives me a much better angle to appreciate them. Look at you hitting those bongos in such an expert way."

*more enthusiastic bongo noises*

"Yes, that's it. Just look at the perfect sway of your sinful hips. I think those hips are made for creating the most enthralling rhythms on earth...mpf."

*moaning and gasping in definite bongo silence*

"... temptation accomplished. Let's skip the whole bloody romance stuff."

"Marvelous. Hm, but do you think we could really play the bongos together some other time?"

"Angel, you may play with my bongos whenever you want."

The end

**Music:**  
[The Poplar Grove](https://freemusicarchive.org/music/Blue_Dot_Sessions/20190309173200900/The_Poplar_Grove) by Blue Dot Sessions  
From the Free Music Archive  
[CC BY-NC 4.0](https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nc/4.0/)  
****

**Sound:**  
[Wooden Door - Closing](https://freesound.org/people/angelkunev/sounds/519066/) by angelkunev  
From Freesound.com  
[CC BY-NC 3.0](https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nc/3.0/)

 **Cover Art Artist DOZERDRAWS** can be found on [tumblr](https://littledozerdraws.tumblr.com/)


End file.
